At Love Not War we believe an orgasm is not the main aim of sex, it’s about the experience as a whole. And while an orgasm can obviously be an added bonus, it is by no means the be all and end all of sexual fulfilment. We would actually argue the opposite. That believing and acting as though having an orgasm is the main goal is actually prohibiting you from experiencing some of the deepest forms of pleasure. While an orgasm allows you to enjoy that temporary release, it doesn’t necessarily make you feel any happier or more fulfilled and that is because an orgasm and pleasure are not the same thing.
We would advise looking at sex less in terms of getting off and more in terms of experiencing pleasure. Of course orgasms are great, who doesn’t love them? But they’re just one amongst many different factors that can contribute to a truly pleasurable experience.
With all of this in mind, let’s take a look at how we can change this narrative and what are some of the benefits to enjoying sex without experiencing an orgasm.
First things first, the mainstream of ideal of what actually defines ‘sex’ is very limited. It is extremely male-centric and heteronormative and shows us that sex is defined as the penis entering the vagina and it ends when it leaves the vagina after it has ejaculated. This idea tells us is that there is no room in this equation for queer sex or the female orgasm. In fact all it does is focus solely on male penetration and leads us to believe that for sexual intercourse to take place, a male must ejaculate.
With this way of thinking it’s completely understandable why most people just assume orgasms are the main goal.
To break this thought pattern we need to reframe our thinking around sex. Many might argue ‘but orgasms feel great’ which is perfectly true and valid and we definitely think you should continue enjoying orgasms. They are healthy, natural and under the right circumstances they can be extremely pleasurable. However it’s important to recognise the difference between ‘wanting to orgasm’ and ‘needing to orgasm’.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to orgasm, but the problem raises when an orgasm becomes the central focus of your sexual experience.
Experiencing pressure around ‘needing’ to orgasm can actually be counterintuitive. It can affect intimacy with your partner, your mental health, the concept of mutual respect and more.
Putting all your focus into having an orgasm can also lead to an imbalance in sexual pleasure with some partners possibly feeling guilty if they can’t orgasm because it hurts their partner’s ego. Some people might see this as a personal failure when in actuality, some people just have a harder time orgasming for reasons that have nothing to do with the sexual partner’s skill or attractiveness.
When orgasms are seen as the end goal or the main reward of sex, one might feel like they’ve failed a test of virility, leading to intimacy issues, guilt, resentment, and other emotions that further impact your relationship with your partner and the journey to experiencing true pleasure.
Once you reframe your thinking, you can enjoy numerous benefits of sex without worrying about a climax or that ‘end-point’. For starters, you can be more present and intimate with your sexual partner which will allow you to focus on them and making them feel good, rather than simply just orgasming and having that immediate, temporary release.
Freed from the expectation of orgasm, both partners can openly communicate what makes them feel good. This means that you’ll both have a better sexual experience, one in which your actual desires are fulfilled without additional baggage. Most importantly, since there’s no “end-point” anymore so you can extend your sexual experience as long as you want, making sex potentially infinite.
Why not put some sex toys, such as Love Not War’s Koi or Maya vibrators, into the mix to make your extra long sex session even more enjoyable?