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Help! Why Can't I Orgasm?

Before we start into anything here, we want you to know that orgasms are not the be all and end all of sexual play and shouldn’t be the goal in sex.

Sex is exploring your own body, connecting with a partner and enjoying the journey together. 

Not being able to orgasm though can be frustrating and we completely understand your feelings. And you are not alone. There are many people who struggle to orgasm. One study in particular showed that 95% of heterosexual men are almost-always going to orgasm during sex, compared to 89% of gay men, 88% of bisexual men, 86% of lesbian women, 66% of bisexual women and 65% of hetero-women. And there are many reasons why some women are more likely to orgasm in comparison to their counterparts. The study found they were more likely to receive oral sex, have sex that lasted longer, be happier in their relationship, and ask for what they want and experiment in bed.

If you have never or rarely climaxed though, there is nothing wrong with you, however there may be ways to change it.  

First, what is an orgasm

Scientifically speaking, an orgasm is an involuntary brain event caused by the nervous system when aroused and stimulated. It’s typically achieved through genital stimulation but orgasms can also happen during sleep, stimulation of other parts of the body i.e. nipple and breast, fantasy or even certain medications. 

In layman's terms, an orgasm is an immense feeling of pleasure while your muscles simultaneously contract. You may feel giddy after, sleepy or relaxed. There are many types of orgasms but the main big O’s include clitoral, anal, vaginal, penal, g-spot and p-spot.

Why can’t I orgasm

Sex isn’t simple. Solo or partnered. There are many reasons that may affect our ability to orgasm. While more serious issues like past traumas could be the cause, and if you think this is the case, and if it is causing you serious concern, speak to your doctor. It may also be down to not knowing what works for your body yet.

There are many different types of pleasure and sex isn’t a one type fits all type of thing. Take ownership of your body and don’t be ashamed to explore your pleasure, whether it's through stroking your body, having sexy thoughts, roleplay, BDSM, reading erotica, watching porn or experimenting with toys. Figure out what works for you and what you like then you can communicate this to your partner.

Another factor which may be preventing you from climaxing is a hangover from poor sex education. Many schools and education systems taught us that sex was solely for procreation and excluded pleasure entirely. Which we know, is not the case. Yes, some people want children, however the majority of sex had is for pleasure. You need to give yourself permission to enjoy it.

Performance anxiety is also a real thing for all genders but there are many different ways to treat it. Practicing mindfulness may feel you relax and calm your mind, which is turn can help you let go and enjoy the journey of sex more. If you’re fully present in this moment, it can help you build to orgasm. If anxiety is affecting your everyday life, including preventing you from orgasming, speak to your doctor.

Finally, there are some health conditions that may affect your ability to orgasm as well as some medications which might prevent it including some antidepressants and blood pressure medication. It’s worthwhile speaking to your doctor about the side effects of these drugs and weighing up the pros and cons. 

What can you do to try and orgasm?

Take the time to explore your body. Find out what you like, what type of pressure you like, what time of sensations and stimulation you like. The more you understand how your body responds, the more enjoyable the experience.

For many vulva owners, clitoral stimulation is a key to orgasming and for many, they need different types of stimulation. Every body is different, so it's best to take the time to explore. You can explore with your hands, and add some lubricant or introduce a sustainable sex toy. Maybe you like nipple play at the same time, maybe rimming is the key for you or G spot play. Experimentation is key and remember the fun is in the journey. Savour the moment! Orgasm is not the be all and end all. 

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