With 65% of women owning a sex toy, it’s only natural that you might want to introduce the fun you have on your own with vibrators and sex toys into your relationship. At Love Not War, we’re all about you having fun, confident sex and we want to support that in whatever shape or form that may be for you.
Those delicious vibrations heighten your senses and do things to your body that hands just simply can’t. And introducing those sensations into your relationship can open both partners up to new pleasures as well as help maintain a passionate and fulfilling relationship.
However, while taboos around sex continue to fall, some tricky ones still linger when it comes to coupled play, which can make using a toy with your partner or introducing the topic slightly intimidating.
Some people may worry that when their partner wants to introduce a sex toy it’s because they’re not pleasing them enough but almost always, this is not the case. Or sometimes our sex education growing up was lacking so badly that sex can now be enshrouded in shame or misinformation. This is where we say something really important - a sex toy is not a replacement, it’s an addition. Using toys together is simply a way to add a little bit of spice to your sex life and have some fun.
So with that being said, let’s dive in...
1. Never criticise your partner; introduce your desires as requests
Storming straight into the topic by saying, “I don’t like when you do this but it feels much better when I use that” is going to do more harm to your relationship than anything else. This may actually be a soft spot for your partner if they have any ‘doubts’ about how they pleasure you. Instead try to frame your desires as requests and try to open a dialogue, for example: “I loved when you did this last night. Have you ever thought about using a toy? I think it could be fun for us.” You might even have a particular toy in mind that you want to use such as Laska, our best selling twist on the rabbit which is perfect for all over body stimulation as well as internal g-spot and vaginal play. Try saying something like, “I loved when you played with my nipples last night. Have you ever thought about using a toy together? I saw this one called Laska, which I thought could be fun to use on each other’s bodies like that.”
2. Think about your timing
There is a time and place for everything. Whipping out your rabbit midst romp probably isn’t the right way as this could take your partner off guard and make them feel pressured. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and appreciates surprises, we’d suggest setting some time aside in a neutral environment for the ‘sex toy conversation’. There also is no correct time to have the conversation in a relationship. Talking about your desires openly can make you feel vulnerable, so whether that happens at the start of a relationship or years down the line, you do you.
3. Don’t force it
This can be a tough one, but if you’ve introduced the idea to your partner and they really don’t seem into it, don’t force it. We know it can be disappointing for you but it’s probably triggered some type of fear or anxiety within themselves. Instead, talk, either then or later, about why the idea of toys makes them feel uncomfortable. Then try to work through those feelings down the line together.
4. Don’t apologise
Never ever apologise for your own desires and needs. Hiding your feelings can lead to shame. Being comfortable enough with your partner to talk openly about sexual desires, including using sex toys, can take time to build up, however, introducing the topic of sex toys or other sexual desires such as dressing up, can be the first step in that journey to being open with one another.
5. Be open to exploration
Once you introduce the topic and if your partner is truly interested in the idea, continue to explore that passage of thought together. Don’t let it all become about what you want and how you want it. It’s an open discussion where you both can share your desires together and how those desires can come to fruition. Think outside the box; together. Discuss what sensations you each like, is there any overlap, consider other types of stimulation i.e. not just genital. Use that discussion as a springboard into toy play.
6. Shop for a toy together
Your bottom drawer may be filled to the brim with toys already and you might be excited in using one of those toys with your partner in particular. Discuss it with them once you’ve had the initial conversation and see what they think. However, one way to explore the idea and to create some sexual tension is to shop for a toy together. Whether that’s going into a shop and browsing or looking online at some of your favourite brands, have a look together and see what it does. For coupled play, we’d recommend Amore, an eco-friendly vibrating bullet, that is discrete and perfect for beginners. So if your partner is maybe new to sex toy play, this could be the ticket.